Waiting
by Tamakia'gss
Summary: Isane didn't know what was worse: the fact that she had actually yelled at Kenpachi Zaraki, or the fact that he was taking so long to kill her for it. She's pretty sure it's all Yachiru's fault, though. No romance; twoshot; rated for a bit of language
1. In Which Isane Runs Her Mouth

Waiting

By: Tamakia'gss

Summary: Isane's just trying to help, but Kenpachi isn't making it easy. Really, it's all Yachiru's fault.

AN: This is my first Bleach fanfiction, and it is going to be a two-shot. Please keep in mind that it is more crack that anything else, and it contains no romance whatsoever. It's just a little interaction-y fun/evil between two characters that I like. And yes, I continue to suck at titles. As for Isane's character…well, she doesn't get too many parts in the anime so it's hard to make her out for sure, but it seems to me like she might have an inner spaz.

_Italics_- Isane's thoughts (sometimes used for emphasis, but trust me, it's easy to distinguish)

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. At all. Also, beware of some strong language.

Chapter 1- "In Which Isane Runs Her Mouth"

---begin---

"Lieutenant!" The panicked cry stopped Isane in her tracks, and she turned to face a few of her fellow squad members.

"What is it?"

A young female shinigami stared at Isane with watery eyes. "It's Captain Zaraki," she managed to gasp out. "He's coming, and Captain Unohana still hasn't returned from tending to Captain Ukitake."

_Well, crap._

"Umm, okay," Isane said, instantly understanding their panic. "I guess I'll go deal with him."

The three unseated squad members watched her with wide eyes. Isane really couldn't blame them, though; even she was starting to get nervous already. It was no secret that the 11th Division held the 4th Division in contempt. Captain Zaraki himself didn't engage in many of the petty fights between the two squads, so he most likely wasn't looking to pick a fight. He probably was coming by because he had a few injuries he wanted healed. He could be an absolute bitch to deal with when he was in pain, too. Unpredictable, like he was on drugs or something. It was impossible to tell if he wanted the pain to stop or increase. He would listen to Captain Unohana in those instances, but only barely. And of course, Captain Unohana wasn't here.

"Where is he?" Isane asked. _Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap. Just my luck._

"He isn't here yet, but he's on his way. Should we send someone to fetch Captain Unohana?"

"Hmmm," Isane mused, bringing her hand up to her chin to mask her nervousness. "Not just yet. Let her stay with Captain Ukitake for as long as possible. In the meantime, return to your tasks."

The three shinigami dispersed, and Isane made her way to the Division's front gates to meet Captain Zaraki. She was not looking forward to this at all. _I'll just patch up whatever problem he has and send him on his way. No need to keep him around any longer than I absolutely have to_.

A bellow from the courtyard made Isane freeze. Captain Zaraki had apparently already arrived and was yelling for Captain Unohana. Isane began to sweat. _Crap_!

"No!" she said out loud, shaking her head violently. "I'm a Lieutenant, not some unseated peon. I have no reason to be afraid of him. I'm better than this." Squaring her shoulders and ignoring the voice in her head, which was informing her quite loudly that there were several reasons to be afraid of Captain Zaraki, Isane strode out into the courtyard to greet him.

"Hello, Captain Zaraki. How may I be of assistance?" Isane asked in what she hoped was a calm, confident voice.

"You are _not_ Unohana," the man growled in reply.

Isane stared back at him, trying to figure out what was going on. He wasn't covered in blood, he was standing on his own, and Isane couldn't sense any more killing intent radiating off him than usual, so why was he here?

"Well, where is she?" Captain Zaraki said, jolting Isane out of her thought process.

"I, uh, I'm afraid that Captain Unohana isn't here," she stuttered, bowing respectfully out of habit. "She is treating Captain Ukitake in his barracks. He's very ill."

"Go get her."

_What_? Isane straightened, startled. "I can't just go get her, sir," Isane said. "Like I said, Captain Ukitake is very ill and needs her monitoring for now. I assure you that I'm qualified to treat you, sir."

Captain Zaraki was glaring at her. Isane gulped. He was _really_ tall, as she was just now noticing.

"And if not, than I will gladly send for Captain Unohana," she added. _God, I'm such a pushover sometimes_.

The tension in the air thickened as Captain Zaraki continued to glare at Isane, who was using every ounce of her willpower to keep from trembling. 4th Division members peeked from their hiding places, unable to look away.

"Fine," Captain Zaraki spat. He brought out his hand and Isane flinched involuntarily. However, he merely reached around to his back and grabbed a black bundle, which he held out to her.

Isane blinked. Captain Zaraki was holding his Lieutenant, Yachiru, by the back of her robes like she was a kitten, and he was looking at her expectantly. A wobbly looking, flushed, and sniffling Yachiru.

_Oh._

Isane crossed the space between them and brought her hand up to Yachiru's forehead, which was scorching. "She has a fever."

"No shit, Sherlock," Captain Zaraki said shortly, a mix of sarcasm and condescension in his tone.

Half of Isane wanted to ask what a "sherlock" was, but the other half that wanted to live decided to let it go. "If you'll bring her this way, please," she said out loud, trying to regain her nerves. "I need to conduct a thorough examination."

Isane led Captain Zaraki to one of the 4th Divisions' private examination rooms and asked him to place Yachiru on the table in the middle. "I'm just going to examine her now, and I'll probably have to remove her clothing," she said, praying he'd get the hint.

"Fine."

Isane face-faulted internally in dismay. He didn't leave. It was obvious that he had no intention of leaving, even if she explicitly asked. _Crap_. He was going to stand there and watch Isane poke and prod his precious Yachiru.

_Could my day get any better_?

Isane gently removed Yachiru's outermost clothing and began to examine her, asking her soft questions about her symptoms. Fever, check. Aches and pains, check. Sore throat, check. Profuse amounts of mucous, check. Chest pain and crackling sounds in the lungs, uncheck. _Good_, Isane thought in relief. She didn't know how she would break it to Captain Zaraki if Yachiru had pneumonia.

The examination itself was wreaking havoc on Isane's nerves. Every time she hit a tender spot and Yachiru yelped or even jumped a little bit, Captain Zaraki twitched and demanded to know what was the matter. Isane was pretty sure that all he really wanted to do was bash her through a wall, and she was glad for Yachiru's proximity.

Isane came to the conclusion that Yachiru most likely had a simple cold, but her tonsils seemed a bit swollen and irritated, so she decided to do a throat swab to test for strep throat, just in case. It was her opinion that you could never be too careful. She grabbed the swab and hovered in front of Yachiru.

"Please open your mouth wide and try to relax," she said to Yachiru. "I need to get a sample from your throat."

"Will it hurt?" Yachiru whimpered, bleary eyes wide.

"No," Isane said. "Don't worry." She smiled in what she hoped was an encouraging manner, despite that fact that she could feel Captain Zaraki's gaze boring holes into her back.

Yachiru nodded and opened up. Isane was nervous as hell, what with her audience, but she had taken throat cultures hundreds, probably thousands, of times. Shining her penlight into Yachiru's mouth, she deftly poked the back of her throat with the swab, withdrawing it before Yachiru's gag reflex made her shut her mouth.

Yachiru continued to gag melodramatically (Isane knew it wasn't that bad), holding her hands up to her face. Isane secured the swab in the special culture cup and turned to place the sample on the counter nearby. What she saw stopped her short.

Captain Zaraki's face was the absolute picture of rage, and he had even drawn his sword. In the background, Isane could still hear Yachiru's over-the-top gagging, and her face drained of blood.

_Aw, crap. I guess I should have warned them about that part_.

"What did you do to her?" he thundered, glaring menacingly at Isane.

Isane couldn't help herself. She was terrified. "Just a throat culture, Captain," she managed to squeak out. "To rule out strep throat." She held the culture out in front of her like it was some sort of shield.

"Can't you tell without murdering my Lieutenant?" he bellowed.

Isane felt her very last excessively frayed nerve snap. With that metaphorical snapping, she experienced what she could only classify later as temporary insanity.

"I did NOT murder your Lieutenant, nor did I ever come close!" Isane found herself yelling. "She's just being a little drama queen and acting like, well, a child over the whole thing. You want me to make her better and that's what I'm trying to do, but I can't work with you hovering over my shoulder and glaring at me and making ridiculous demands." Isane stalked up to Captain Zaraki, using the throat culture like some sort of pointer as she gesticulated to match her words. "I believe that the trained medic here is me, not you, and you are in my domain, so don't tell me how to do my job! Now leave so I can work properly," she demanded, glaring up at his face while simultaneously poking him in the chest with the culture.

A hushed silence fell over the room. Isane's head was swimming with a million thoughts, but the most prevalent one consisted mostly of, _What the hell did I just do?!_

She was still in Captain Zaraki's face, so to speak, and despite the fact that her burst of anger had been replaced by horror, she couldn't pull herself away. She saw Captain Zaraki's jaw tighten and felt his spiritual pressure begin to rise. _I am so dead_, she thought, shutting her eyes. _Crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcr-_

Isane heard a slamming sound and felt a small breeze. Snapping her eyes open, she saw that the impossible had occurred. Captain Zaraki had actually left. He had left the door wide open in his rage (and he was angry; she could still feel it), and several squad members, attracted by the commotion, peered in at her with mixed expressions of awe and horror. Awe at what she'd just done and horror at what the consequences would undoubtedly be once Captain Zaraki decided on a suitable punishment. Shaking, Isane shut the door and slowly turned to face her patient, who hadn't uttered a single peep since Isane had started yelling.

Yachiru's eyes were wide and she stared at Isane with an unreadable expression. Then, collapsing back onto the examination table, she began to laugh hysterically.

"I'm glad you find my inevitable demise so amusing," Isane said, which only sent Yachiru into further gales of laughter, which in turn made her start coughing. "Serves you right," she muttered, but with no real feeling. Sighing, she helped to calm Yachiru down and dressed her in a white robe. "I'm pretty sure all you have is a cold, but I don't trust the 11th Division to take proper care of you, so you'll be staying here in the meantime."

"You mean you're keeping me as insurance so that Ken-chan won't kill you right away," Yachiru said, giggling.

_Damn, she's smart sometimes_.

---end chapter 1---

Stay tuned for chapter 2, "In Which Kenpachi Takes His Revenge," coming sometime this week (hypothetically).

As always, please review.


	2. In Which Kenpachi Takes His Revenge

Waiting

Chapter 2- "In Which Kenpachi Takes His Revenge"

AN: Thanks to all the readers and (especially) reviewers of chapter 1. Now, on to the conclusion.

---begin chapter 2---

The throat culture came back negative for strep throat, which should have been a relief for Isane. Instead it was more a source of irritation: if she had just trusted her gut, she wouldn't have had to perform the culture, and thus would have been spared from the growing dread she felt.

It had officially been a week since she had signed her own death warrant, and she hadn't seen hide nor bell-tipped hair of Captain Zaraki. That also should have been a relief, but instead it made her even more nervous. After all, they said waiting was the worst part, and right now Isane was inclined to agree._ I wish he'd just get it over with already._

At first Isane had thought it strange that she hadn't encountered Captain Zaraki, since Yachiru was staying in the 4th Division to recuperate. She soon figured out that Captain Unohana was deliberately keeping her busy at times when he was around, even going so far as to pull her off all night shifts (apparently Captain Zaraki had spent every night in the bed next to Yachiru's.)

_Bless Captain Unohana_. She had shown up not ten minutes after Captain Zaraki had left that day, demanding an explanation. Apparently one of the 4th Division members had fled to the 13th Division as soon as Captain Zaraki had started yelling, babbling that he was attacking Isane. Needless to say, Captain Unohana had been relieved to find out that this wasn't the case, but was still concerned over the events that had actually transpired. Now she was trying to protect Isane without outwardly stating it. Isane was quite grateful.

The 4th Division was torn between revering Isane as some sort of goddess and planning her funeral. As soon as Captain Ukitake could spare her, Kiyone had come running to Isane in tears, bawling not only about her imminent status as an only child, but that Isane was "hogging" Captain Unohana away from Captain Ukitake on purpose. Isane tried to reassure her, but it nearly impossible to get through to her sister when she was like that.

The 11th Division members (other than Captain Zaraki, of course) were taking the news rather well. Isane had been afraid that they would want revenge of behalf of their Captain, but instead they seemed to find the situation as hilarious as Yachiru had. This was a good thing, because she ran into various squad members throughout the week who were visiting Yachiru, and having to defend herself from them every time would just be a huge pain in the butt. Yumichika had even pulled her aside and apologized for Captain Zaraki's behavior without actually apologizing.

"He just gets so hung up over the Lieutenant sometimes," he had said, in this irritating, trying-to-be-soothing voice that didn't seem to fit him. Nevertheless, Isane had smiled and thanked him for his concern, saying that she wasn't really worried about it.

Of course, that was a lie. Not a moment went by where she didn't expect to round a corner and come face-to-face with Captain Zaraki. She started tiptoeing down the corridors of the 4th Division, peeking around corners and glancing over her shoulder. Unseated members of the squad would make themselves scarce when she came by, not wanting to be around when Captain Zaraki finally showed up. They all knew she was dead.

In fact, all thirteen divisions seemed to feel she was dead. Never had Isane had so many of her friends visit her in one week. All of the other Lieutenants had stopped by the day after the incident and had taken her out drinking, which had started out as fun and ended as a drunken "who can compose the best eulogy" contest. Kiyone showed up nearly every day to check up on her, usually in tears. Some 12th Division researcher had shown up twice, asking Isane to "donate her body to science." She had vehemently refused, and considered asking Captain Unohana to make sure she was cremated, as she didn't trust the 12th Division not to dig up her body.

So in all, it was really no surprise that Isane was a complete nervous wreck by the end of the week. It was one thing to know that you're dead, but a completely different thing when everyone else knew it, too, and wanted to make sure you remembered about it.

Yachiru recovered by the end of the week and returned to her barracks, which was a huge relief because it automatically lessened the chance of running into Captain Zaraki. Another week passed after that, seeming surreal to Isane. It was almost like she had never yelled at Captain Zaraki, but then again, she knew there was no denying that it happened.

She continued in her duties like normal, but some of her squad members still treated her like she was already dead, as did members from the other squads. Whenever she went out to run an errand, she could hear the whispers behind her and feel the stares on her back. Isane knew what the question they all wanted answered was.

_Why aren't I dead yet_?

In reality, Isane was pretty sure that the answer was merely that Captain Zaraki was a sadistic bastard who was delighting in making her squirm. He was probably observing her from afar, laughing his ass off every Isane so much as jumped.

_Oh, there's an awful thought._ Could he really be watching her every move? Isane stopped in her tracks (she was in the 1st Division barracks, on her way to deliver the monthly reports for 4th Division). Pivoting slowly on one foot, she scanned her surroundings. She didn't see anything suspicious, and was it really possible for Captain Zaraki to be inconspicuous in anything? _Probably not._ _God, I really need to cut back on the paranoia. I mean, it's been two weeks today. He hasn't got that kind of patience. If he was gonna do something, he would have already. Relax. Breathe._

Isane resumed her course along the building. She turned a corner and instantly forgot how to breathe.

_There he is. Crap! Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap!_

Captain Zaraki was striding down the same hallway, drawing ever closer to her. Yachiru was perched on his back, as usual. As soon as she caught sight of Isane, the pink-haired terror began bouncing up and down and waving.

"Heya, Gag-lady!"

If she hadn't been so terrified and naturally polite, Isane would have rolled her eyes, or at least arched an eyebrow. Yachiru had been calling her that since that day two weeks ago. It wasn't an appreciated nickname. However, she waved a bit at Yachiru so as not see seem rude. No reason to piss off Captain Zaraki any more than she already had.

_Okay, calm down. He hasn't reacted to my presence yet. Everything's okay._ Isane briefly entertained the thought of running, but immediately shot it down. He'd think it was fun. _Nothing to do but keep going and act confident. And if he does decide to kill me, well, the least I can do as a Lieutenant in the 13 Court Guard Squads is to take it honorably._

Isane squared her shoulders and fixed her eyes straight ahead, trying to radiate confidence. It wasn't easy. She could see Captain Zaraki still coming towards her, seeming to be nonchalant. In fact, he hadn't even seemed to notice her, which had to be an act because the hallway was empty of anyone else and, at six feet in height, Isane was a bit hard to miss.

Still they drew closer to each other, and Isane could hear her heart pounding in her ears. Part of her wondered if he could, too. _Probably_.

They were almost upon each other now, and Isane's panic rose still higher. He still hadn't even looked at her, and she wasn't sure if she should take it as an insult or a blessing.

And then, just like that, he strode past her, never even glancing her way. Isane froze in shock, staring straight ahead, listening to his footsteps as they faded. _I'm alive. I can't believe it, but I'm actually alive. Be still, racing heart._ She risked a quick glance back to confirm that he was still walking away, holding back a sigh of relief.

Taking a deep breath, Isane moved to start forward again. But then she felt it: a small a brush of wind rushing past her from behind, accompanied by the light, ominous tinkling of bells. She whipped around and couldn't help but give a sharp gasp.

Captain Zaraki was _right there_, bent slightly with his face mere inches away from hers. His expression could only be described as an unpleasant leer as he stared straight into her wide, shocked eyes.

"Boo," he said, as intimidating as he could make his voice while keeping a low volume.

Isane's eyes rolled back into her head as her strained nerves finally took control. Captain Zaraki watched in satisfaction as she crumpled to the floor, unconscious. He stood admiring his handiwork for a few more seconds, and then turned to resume his previous course.

"That's it?" Yachiru asked.

"Yup."

---end---

So, there it is. Maybe a bit anticlimactic, but whatever. Reviews are appreciated.


End file.
